Walking through a cleanse, especially a four fold cleanse, is not always the easiest thing to do. There are areas in our lives we thought were nice and clean and cleanses just tend to expose the muck and the mire. Sometimes on the other end of a cleanse I feel more broken and useless than I did before the cleanse.
Before exposing myself fully, mentally, physically, spiritually and socially, I have usually built up a great tolerance and pattern to my sickness, in whichever area. I have blindly ignored God’s calling or told myself that I am not equipped. I read only fiction, put the crossword down when first stumped or use my calculator for simple math equations. I do just 10 minutes of yoga or walk instead of jog…or worse, just sleep through that alarm. I hang out with people who feel compelled to stay stuck or lay aside any check in my spirit just to keep the peace.
I walk around this life in a rut. Circling the same paths over and over. Digging into habitual sin longer and longer until I no longer see the freshness and pain of being separate from God in that area. I am a master at ignoring red flags and pushing through sticky situations.
Each time I cleanse in the way outlined through the last month different areas are fully disclosed, usually within myself, but sometimes everyone else see’s them too. I am laid bare before God, my friends and family, but most importantly, myself.
But what does one do with this kind of exposure? I have to admit, sometimes I just sweep it under the rug or I justify my old comfortable actions and just keep on trucking. But every now and again I invite the raw, open wound to bleed out and heal.
I seek God’s face regularly. I ask him to show me where I can improve and beg him for mercy though the process, but a lot of times that is just lip service. Do I really want God to work on me? Do I desire to go through that again? Am I really asking him to do His works or am I just saying it to appease everyone around me?
It’s a good thing that God knows our hearts, that he see’s us exactly the way we are and He meets us there. I used to have a friend that would tell me to be careful for what I pray for because I just might get it. I have found that to be so true. I have asked Him to take it easy on me before. The results were clear. He took it easy on me and I styled the same. No changing, not growing, bored to tears.
I open to His loving, stern touch today. He shows mercy when it is needed, like I said, thankful He knows. When I moved to Victoria I laid myself down in front of him and told him to have at it. I wasn’t convinced that he could actually do a damn the with the piece of trash that was naked before him, but I was willing to sit still, be quiet and wait.ni did those things and the results have amazed me. He is faithful.
I wonder a lot if I even deserve to call Him father. I wonder if He cringes when He see’s me coming. I wonder if that bridge has finally been burned. What I find, and it grows each day, is that He rejoices when I breathe His name. He laughs when He see’s my face and He delights in helping me rebuild burnt out bridges. He is faithful and I am grateful.
Thank you Jesus for the chance to come along side you and celebrate life. even though e cleanse is over for now, it is just the beginning of this newest adventure through life.
Palms up. Minds open. Hearts receiving. Others touched! To live.
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