Silence is golden…or so they say. It can be a coveted luxury for a new mom, the sacred place for a worshiping soul, the blank canvas for a studious learner. It can also be death for an abused lover, pain for a suffering addict, the dark and lonely place of a mind that feels alone.
Almost 3 years ago I embarked on this sober journey…again. I was known as a chronic relapser. Someone who comes in and out of the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, staying sober until life looks good, then tearing the whole thing down, only to scratch and claw their way back into AA, repeating the cycle. It is embarrassingly awkward, filled with judgment of people who don’t understand and lonely because clearly, you just can’t “get it.”
I ALWAYS wanted to be sober. I longed for it to come easy to me. I saw people, knew people, who had come in, dragged up from the depths of hell, much like myself, and they “got it.” Whatever “it” was, they got it. I wanted that illusive “IT!”
Lack of desire was not the issue. If you knew me when I was using, you know that I am not even a shadow of the person I was created to be. God made me in His image to be loving towards people who are hard to love, kind & generous, creative. When I am using, it’s as if the candle is blown out. I can think of nothing more than of myself, justifying my poor behavior as acceptable, greedy & dried up in a desert of shame & pity.
When I washed ashore in September of 2013, in my own version of Nineveh, Victoria, TX, I felt the call to be creative. I come from a family that fosters creation on one side and encourages hard work on the other, with little time for creativity. I fell somewhere in between, loving both hard work and writing. I needed and outlet for the time because I was given the chore of sitting still, being quiet and listening to God. Not the easiest thing for a girl like me, but I knew my will had been broken, I was going to do whatever I was told to do, so I did.
I began this blog. You can look back over those posts and see that my journey had just begun, but there was still a powerful story of redemption beginning to surface. I was awakening, slowly but surely. I received a phone call on afternoon, from someone I greatly admired who told me that I should put the brakes on this writing thing, that being so “out there” with my early recovery could be detrimental to my case in point. I heard & listened & shut it down. I also got a comment from a person from my dark past, who did not have my best interest in mind. These two incidents drove me to this 2 year awkward silence.
Recently, listening to God and not my fear of being “found out,” I started sharing my story. I was given the green light from my husband to be candid, open, honest…even when it is ugly, about what I went through. You see, this story is not just mine, it is his too. He suffered on the other side of my addiction for 2 years, mostly silent, dying in his own way. So to get his blessing to move forward was all the push I needed.
Here I am. Back. With an incredible story of redemption, light, love that defied all obstacles, hope. This isn’t just my story. It is the story of many women, who sit in silence, wishing they too had an outlet.
Stay tuned. This is just the first of many posts. I can’t wait to tell you of all that has happened. A love story that only God could’ve written. A business that was built in His hands. A family stitched together with the Almighty thread of peace. A life you would hardly recognize as the one violently tossed from the belly of the whale.
This story is ours. Join me. Break the silence.