The First Boy I Ever Loved

In February of 1998 I met him. He was the picture of perfection. Beautiful blonde hair, a perfectly shaped head, deep blue eyes, pinky toes that curled up around the toe next to it, the softest skin I had ever felt and the sweetest smell.  He was intoxicating, so I called him Moon Shine.  I was absolutely, incomprehensibly, unmistakably destroyed that first moment I laid eyes on my baby boy.

From that time on he has shaken me to my core. He has been the cause of sleepless nights, of broken hearts, of tears of shame at the lack of my own parenting skills. He has introduced me to the part of myself that I thought was lost and he has loved me like no one else. I’ll never be able to describe in words the level of pride I feel when I am with him, yet the profound knowledge that it has so little to do with me. He is the first boy I ever loved and he owns the kings share of my heart.

He was unexpected, to say the least and I was in no position to raise him. I was still a child myself. Pregnant at 18, I hardly had a handle on reality or keeping myself alive, much less the duty of rearing another human. I was scared and unsure, but I knew from very early in my pregnancy that I was smitten. I sat many a night, alone in my room at my parents house, rocking in the chair my mother had rocked me in, holding my belly, weeping, promising this tiny, little man, that I would always love him.  I have always held fast to that promise.

I haven’t been the best mom, he has seen things that most kids don’t. He grew up fast and has learned to smile, even when times are hard. He has seen me roll in and out of recovery and has watched the devastating falls of an addict.  Through it all, he has always been loyal, always kept his chin up and always shone like the brightest star in the sky. He is, as I have called him for years, my tug boat, pulling the mother ship into the safe harbor from choppy, wild waters.

Tomorrow I watch him walk across the first in a series of stages, this one, at his high school. I cannot even begin to tell you the gamut of emotions I feel.  They are something like, but far beyond, pride, love, joy, admiration and relief. I feel all caught up in this moment and wanted, no, needed to burst forth in shouting from the mountain tops, “This is my boy! This is my champion! This is my hero!”

Congratulations my precious little boy. You are forever my main squeeze, the apple of my eye and my very first love!

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