“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
C. L. Lewis
Last night I sat alone in my room contemplating a very risky future move that I am making. I considered all aspects and came to the conclusion that it’s risky, resource consuming and the results are inconclusive to says the least. As a matter of fact, the odds are NOT forever in my favor. If logic was at play here, I would be screwed.
Logic however, is not the deciding factor in this decision. Love is what’s on the table. My heart is what’s at risk. Money will be thrown away and my reputation, what is left of it, will be used against me. I am placing myself in a place of complete vulnerability to the circumstance.
I’ve laid bare my situation, so I’m not afraid to say that I am making a move that may seem careless and illogical. Although it is not careless, it is absolutely illogical and I am more grateful in this moment that I still have the courage to make illogical decisions.
Over the last year I have done everything I can to destroy the blessing of marriage that God has bestowed upon me. I have disassembled the very foundation on which I was given to build on. Brick by brick, layer by layer, I deconstructed every ounce of trust and demolished every crumb of emotion. I reduced my marriage to little more than an obligatory phone call each night, probably more out of pity than much else.
There is more blame and shame to be passed around than what I have time or permission to share, but the fact of the matter is this; I only live out my part of this marriage and I can only own what I have done. I only have time, energy and resources to clean up my mess and I intend on trying to do so.
The relationships that are the most important to me in this life are the ones that I damaged the most. I turned my back on God and quit believing that He could rescue me if I would just let Him. I lied, cheated and stole from my husband and son. My mother and father spent countless nights wondering if I was even alive, not to mention the deciet and neglect. My friends were exposed to my disease and trusted leaders were pushed to the side. I did what I could to harm myself and in the crossfire were these innocent bystanders. Their only crime, loving me.
I run. I am good at that. I run hard and fast and if I can hide, I will. I ran hard and fast to drugs and alcohol. I ran hard and fast to New Orleans. I ran hard and fast to Victoria and into the loving arms of my Father. He kept me here and healed my heart, but He is not done with me. My dependence on Him has increased but is not absolute. My mind focuses on Him, but not completely. I have faith, but it is not unshakeable, but He has brought me to a place of surrender, which is exactly where I belong.
I am going back to face the lions. I am going back to clean up my mess. If I told you that I didn’t have hopes for the future, I would be lieing. What I don’t have are expectations. A girl can dream, but my ambition is to clear away the wreckage of my past as unselfishly as I can pray it to be done.
I want my son to see how I feel. I want him to know that my undieing love for him in greater than any momentary fix. I want my husband to see that I am willing to look him in the eye and see the pain I have caused, feel the distance and experience the cold. I want my mother to see that she is my first choice for holidays even if I am fearful of being hurt. I want my friends to know that their unconditional love has not gone unnoticed and that I can trust the people that God has sent to guide me lovingly.
Sometime in January, when I feel completely released from my work here, I am going back to Waco.
This may seem risky. I assure you, it is. I am walking right back into the damage I have created, but how does a mess get cleaned up if you don’t go back with a broom and some gloves? God has armed me with some artillery. I trust that He is not giving me anything I can’t handle. He is good.
I know that this will not be easy. I know that there will be many tears shed. I know that I risk humiliation, hurt, heartache and discipline. I also know that the love I have been given from above and here one earth is totally worth the risk.
Lord, please guide me. Give me strength. Do not let me grow weary in good works. Show me how to love as you have loved…sacrifically.
Palms up. Minds open. Hearts receiving. Others touched! To live.
This blog is managed and written by Summer Shine aka Victory Chic. The opinions herein are endorsed solely by Summer and are not the opinion of any of the affiliates mentioned…so don’t go getting all crazy with anyone else. Don’t like what’s being said? UNSUBSCRIBE. Love ya!